


Letters from Chris

by KatrinaK



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 20:43:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20297665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatrinaK/pseuds/KatrinaK
Summary: A fic about Callum struggling with Chris's letters and asking Ben to read them to him





	Letters from Chris

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Ballum fic and I haven't wrote any fan fiction in 15 years so apologies in advance

It had been 24 hours since Callum had attended Chris’s memorial. His head is pounding, still trying to absorb that Chris had gone. His Chris. Callum’s mouth is dry, eyes puffy from all the crying and lack of sleep. He feels like a walking corpse in his own home. Not exactly the choice of words he should use but there is nothing else that describes the emptiness he feels.

Ben makes his way to the parlour to drop off some papers he needs signing from Jay. As he walks in, he sees a frustrated Jay apologising profoundly to a customer on the phone. After Jay puts down the phone, he sighs in annoyance and distress. 

“Who pissed on your parade this morning” Ben says curiously

“Callum that’s who!” 

The name suddenly catches Ben’s attention

“Why? What’s he done?” Ben questions inquisitively

“Where do you want me to begin? He turned up to work yesterday yeah and within 5 minutes he shot straight out the door. No warning. No explanation, nuffin. He left me to deal a load of unhappy customers. I got a right ear bashing and to top it all off I’m now buried under a mountain of paperwork”

“Where did he go?”

“How the hell should I know? He lied to Whit en all. She came here at lunch asking for him and she looked like she’d lost a tooth when I told her he wasn’t here. It’s not just me who he’s gonna be in the dog house with, I tell ya.”

Jay looks down to the table and then looks up to Ben

Hey… you don’t think he’s… you know… cheating on her with another woman?”

“What? Callum?”

“Nah you’re probably right. His punctuality is terrible but he’s not a cheater. I tell you what though he better sort whatever it is that’s bothering him. He turned up today but he just sat there with a right face on him. I sent him home. He’s aint no use to me like that. I’d get more work out of one of these corpses”.

Jay shuffles with a few papers on his desk before saying “Anyway, I think I’ll pop in to see him later. Somethings up with him. Something he aint saying. It aint like him and I do actually like the geezer”

Ben had looked away deep in thought

Er hello, you listening Ben?” Jay clicked his fingers trying to get Ben’s attention

“Yeah. Listen I’ve got to shoot off. I’ll leave these on your desk. Just pop the paperwork at the lot later yeah”.

Ben leaves the parlour, scratching his head and presses the buzzer for upstairs, waiting for Callum to buzz him in. 

Callum opens the door, expecting it to be Whitney or Jay. He isn’t in the mood for a chat. He just wants them to say what they’ve got to say and leave quickly.

Ben lets himself in and see’s Callum’s back turned to him, resting his hands on the dining table, head slouched down.

“Something interesting down then?” Ben quips, forcing Callum to quickly turn around

“W..What you doing here?” Callum replies voice shaky

“Well a little birdy told me that you’ve been walking around like you’ve lost the plot. What’s the mater? Whit gone all bridezilla on ya? I could understand all that talk of cake toppers and colour coding driving even the sanest man mad”

“You’ve been talking to Jay aint ya? Well you can tell him I’m fine”

Ben looks at the table and see’s an bottle of vodka half empty.

“Well if that’s the case you wouldn’t be trying to drown yourself with the devils’ juice. We both know you’re a lightweight Cal. Do you really want Whit cleaning your vomit? The whole ‘death do us part’ bit won’t exactly fill her with confidence”.

“It’s none of your business” Callum retorts

Ben then see’s a piece of paper sat on the arm of the sofa. It catches his attention and he picks it up. He sees that it reads “Chris Kennedy’s memorial service 13th August” with a location and a picture of a man in an army outfit

“So this is where you were yesterday”

Callum snatches the paper back hastily

“Give that back!”

“Why didn’t you just tell Jay that you had to attend a funeral? He would have understood you needing to say goodbye to one of your army mates”

Callum’s eyes welled up and he was finding it extremely difficult to hold his exposure. Ben could see Callum struggling and he took one step forward and placed his hand on his arm as a gesture of sympathy

“Look.. I know I can’t be the easiest but you can talk to me. Or if not me, Whit”

“I can’t tell her” Callum replies, tears leaving his eyes

“I know she’s wrapped up in this wedding stuff but she’ll get it”

“That’s just it, she won’t. I can’t tell her, I can’t Ben. It would ruin everything.”

“I don’t understand. What would be so bad about telling your finance an old friend died?” Ben responds, looking at Callum attentively.

Callum just stares at Ben hard, not finding the words to tell him. He just continues to stare, crying and then Ben’s eyes widen. He looks down to the funeral invite and then back up to Callum

“He wasn’t just a friend was he?”

Callum sits down on the sofa, looking at the paper of the memorial of Chris

“We met at the army. He was my mate. My best mate. We did everything together”

Ben sits beside Callum, listening to his words

“He…er…kind of took me under his wing. He was always there for me. We….we….became really close”

Callum turns to look at Ben

“I didn’t expect to fall in love with him Ben. It happened before I knew what 'it' was. I didn’t realise how lonely I was until I met him. Everything with Chris just made sense. And now…now he’s gone….and he never knew. It’s not what you think. Me and Chris… nothing happened between us. It’s true. It didn’t. Deep down I knew I wanted it to. I wanted to be with him but I couldn’t find it in myself to tell him. Now I’ve missed my chance. He’s gone”

“I had no idea” Ben replies compassionately

“What you mean Mr holiour than thou isn’t so perfect after all? That he’s been lying to everyone’s faces, even yours? You must think I’m a right hypocrite” Callum turns away

“No. No I don’t! Callum look at me”

Callum turns to face Ben

“I understand what you’re going through. You don’t need to pretend with me. It’s ok to cry, to yell, smash things.”

“I just don’t know where to go from here. I didn’t think anything could ever feel so painful. I don’t know how you managed it.” Callum states

“Well I didn’t find the solution at the bottom of that?” looking at the bottle. “It helps for a few hours but once it wears of its still there, staring you in the face. Look I’m not going to patronise you and tell you it gets easier because it doesn’t. It’s going to be hard and that pain never goes, no matter how much of that ‘time is a healer’ bullshit you hear. You’ve just got to learn to live it”.

“I just have so much regret Ben. Chris died thinking I didn’t care, that I left the Army cos I didn’t want to be around him. Now he’ll never know. At least your Paul knew that you loved him. At least you were brave enough to act on your feelings. Look at me. I’m such a coward”

“You're not ok. Don’t you go punishing yourself. You’re a good person. Callum… I know how hard it is to come out but there is no clock that tells you when the time is right. It has to come from you”

“I spoke to his sister you know. She knew everything. Chris wrote her letters telling her about me. She gave them all to me yesterday at the funeral. I can’t bring myself to open them” Callum replies while grabbing them from the side cabinet and sits back down

“Maybe it would help Callum… to know what he said. I would give anything to hear from Paul again. Anything. His voice, a letter. You’ve got something from him that belongs to you now. That’s something most would give anything for”

“I can’t Ben. I just can’t do it” Callum pleads

“Hey it’s ok. No one is forcing you to do anything”

“ Can you…. If you don’t mind… read it out to me. I mean you don’t have to read them all, just one letter” Callum asks

“Er yeah…Sure” Ben responds

“Which one?”

“Erm the 1st dated one”

Ben finds the first letter Chris wrote to his sister and opens the envelope taking the letter out and starts to read out…

Dear Vic

How’s it going sis? Sorry it’s taken so long to write to you. Say hello to everyone at home and tell them I am thinking of them. They are really keeping my hands full here. Please send my apologises to mum and I will be extra generous to you both this Christmas.

Well… I’m here in the fold. Finally. It still feels so surreal. Training camps are in full swing and it feels good to be part of tight and strict routine. Don’t worry, I am getting plenty of grub and keeping my strength up, though I miss your famous chicken casserole. Sleeping arrangements are a bit tight and there are a couple of pretentious pricks here but generally a decent bunch. They’ve put me in charge of the cooking so I’m in my element. I’m showing this guy, “H” I call him, the ropes.

You should see him sis. You’d think he’d need an instruction manual to know his way around the kitchen. He’s a messy bugger, always some kind of disaster, always something new… but he’s a top lad. You’d like him. He’s shy, reserved and a bit precious. Has a sense of humour though. One minute I want to throttle him, the next he has me howling in laughter. We’ve become really close and I know its early days but I can’t imagine this experience without him. 

I know I can tell you anything. You’ve always made me feel comfortable about expressing myself. I think I’ve finally found him sis…. you know…the one you said would come my way. I can’t explain it but the moment we met; everything just fell into place. It felt right. He felt right. I bet you think I sound like a lovesick teenager about now, eh? I could really use your words of wisdom about now. You always knew the right thing to say. I just don’t want to blow it with him. Or maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree. All I know is that he’s my best mate here and he's made everything so much easier. I hope one day you can meet him.

Take care Vic

Your little brother, Chris   
x

Callum at this point had tears rolling down his face and Ben put his hand on Callum’s comforting him and bought him in for a hug

“It’s ok Callum”

Callum sobs “I really wish he knew that I felt the same” 

“Something tells me he did Cal. He’s right you know. You really are a bull in a china shop in a kitchen” Ben smiles

Callum lets out a small laugh and smiles back

“Sounds like he thought a lot of you” Ben says, releasing Callum from his right grip

“I don’t see why” Callum replies while wiping his face with tissue

“I do” Ben says softly

Callum and Ben’s eyes lock for a few seconds

“You’re a good bloke Callum. Any one would be lucky to have known you”

“You don’t have to say that” 

“I don’t say anything I don’t mean. I care about you Callum. You do know that right?”

“Yeah… I do”… Callum half smiles up at him and meets Ben’s gaze staying paralysed. 

Callum moves in for a kiss. Ben backs away

“I thought this was what you wanted” Callum says looking confused

“I did… I do…. I mean….look Callum you’re in a dark place. You and me happening it won’t take the pain away. Tomorrow it will still be there eating at you… and the next day and the day after that”

“Well it didn’t stop you after Paul did it? You’re still screwing any bloke that moves!” Callum snaps

Ben sighs, and his eyes widen looking away and Callum can see that he over stepped the mark

“I’m er…. I’m so sorry Ben. That came out all… I didn’t mean..”

“I know” Ben says softly

“My head is such a mess right now” Callum says

“If someone gave me a pound for every time I lashed out after Paul I’d be in my own villa on Miami beach about now, sipping cocktails, you know the ones with those colourful umbrellas and I’d be eyeing up all the topless totty. I’ve been where you are. You know…I wish I had listened to Jay, to mum…even my old man. They told me that booze and sex was never going to solve anything but since when was I one to listen eh? I did it anyway to hell with everyone… and now, it’s all I got. It’s the only way I know how”

Ben touches Callums arm

“I don’t want that for you Cal. You’re better than this. Better than me. Besides who am I going to annoy if you’re half cut on the floor. You’re not much use to me then are ya?

Callum lets out a small laugh

“I’m sure you’d find someone else to wind up”

“What and miss the satisfaction of seeing you all hot and flustered? Nah”

“I don’t get all…” Callum turns a shade of pink

Ben laughs “Is that a smile I see?”

“You really are a piece of work you know what?”

“So I’ve been told”

Both Ben and Callum look at each other smiling before Ben looks at his watch

“Look, I’ve got to pick Lex up from school. I’d stay longer but….”

Callum nods his head

“Its ok” Callum cuts in “I’ll be ok”

“I’m going to see you tomorrow” Ben says

“You don’t have to” 

“I want to” Ben insists, cupping Callum’s face with his two hands and bringing his head down. Ben plants a small soft kiss on Callum’s forehead before turning around to leave

“Ben” Callum calls out

“Yeah?” Ben turns around

“Thanks”

Ben smiles. He grabs his jacket and leaves.


End file.
